Last Sunday, the 2nd of November, Owen Staton and I recorded an episode of Weird in the Wade in front of an audience, at the Bigg Theatre in Biggleswade.
This to me still seems like an impossibility, yet I was there, and it really did happen. There’s photographic proof as well, through out this blog post.
Three years ago in November 2022 I was preparing for a photography exhibition at Kings College London, an amazing experience. For that exhibition I’d made soundscapes to accompany my photographs, so that blind and partially sighted people could experience the images in a different way. What I was beginning to realise though, was that however much I loved photography it was something that I wanted to keep as a hobby.
The soundscape I recorded on the other hand was the part of the project that set me alight, I was frustrated that they had to be edited down. I understood why and a professional did the editing. But the burning sensation that the soundscapes weren’t how I wanted them to be, made me realise that audio was something I was passionate about in a way that was different to my photography.
And if you’d told me when I was feeling that frustration that the soundscapes weren’t quite how I wanted them, that I’d be recording with the BBC, a podcast episode in front of a live audience, I might not have believed you at first but I would have been blown away by the idea of it.
It’s not that part of Sunday’s performance though that I would have thought was impossible. Nor would I have thought it was completely impossible to be on stage in front of an audience. In my work as a disability campaigner and adviser I’ve spoken at conferences all over the country. I like public speaking, I realise I’m in a minority there.
It also would not have been completely past the bounds of reality for me to believe that a wonderful storyteller and actor like Owen Staton would have teamed up with me for the event. I’d have been thrilled and delighted at the thought. Maybe even said it was highly unlikely, but I wouldn’t have said “It will never happen,” because part of me would have hoped that it might.
What I would have thought was impossible though, was that I’d have been on stage reading from a script. That, I would have said quite firmly, was impossible, it will never happen, no way! You see, I hated reading aloud. I loathed it. It made me feel vulnerable, weak, exposed, even humiliated to read aloud in front of anyone. I refused to audition for plays at school because to read from a script was near impossible for me. Before the technology of the 21st century I had to rely on large print on paper. Most of the time, even then the print wasn’t large enough for me to read comfortably. Being visually impaired in a world of standard sized print just left me exposed.
When the technology developed for screen magnification on computers and then on hand held devices, I realised that potentially I could read comfortably aloud, but I still dreaded it. But after months of recording the podcast at home reading from my magnified computer screen, I thought it might be possible to do this on stage. But I was still relunctant. Instead I told myself, I’ll learn it by heart. But the thought of that also filled me with dread. My memory is not what it was.
It was the wonderful Danny Robins, whose podcast Uncanny inspired Weird in the Wade, who gave me the advice to read the script, don’t learn it. He explained that it wouldn’t sound like weird in the wade, if I wasn’t reading from the script. That’s what I do when I record it, that’s what my listeners are used to. Danny’s advice gave me the courage to read the script. Yes, I knew the script very well, I’d been reading it over and over. Yes, I had immersive reader switched on on my iPad and the already 18 point font was then magnified to 200%. But do you know what? It worked. I could read it like I do at home in the studio.
For over 40 years I have held back from performing drama or reading aloud in public and here I was smashing it on stage. I still can’t quite believe it
I wanted to share this because we all have that one thing we tell ourselves we can’t do. That one thing that takes us so far out of our comfort zone we just don’t want to go there. It’s like the edge of the unknown world in old maps “here be dragons and monsters.” Well until you journey there and confront the dragons and monsters, you don’t learn that they’re not that scary after all, and taming them is the biggest rush you can ever have.
I doubt I’ll ever fully enjoy reading aloud in public, not in the same way I can find a rhythm in storytelling without a script. But I’m not going to be held back any more by telling myself that something is impossible.
Thank yous
I want to thank everyone who came along on Sunday to the podcast recording, thank you for your support! Especially though to my Mum, and neices Antonia and Amelia, and Tyler and Mel for keeping me company in the greenroom and making me feel far less nervous before the show. And thanks to Mimi for working on the merch stand!
Thank you to Owen for his wonderful stories.
Thank you to my BBC Sounds colleagues, Liv, Izzy and Lucy for working with me on this episode!
Thank you to the Bigg Theatre!
Thank you to Danny Robins for his advice and to the Uncanny Community for there ongoing support of my general weirdness and weird podcast!
And thank you to Kerry and all in the Write Like A Grrrl community because if I hadn’t put those words on paper I’d not have been able to read them aloud!
Weird In The Wade 